Saturday, May 19, 2007
left wanting
Growing up I always thought I wanted to be a mother. I always had some career aspiration's but knew in the back of my mind I would probably end up staying home to raise children. I guess that was the way I was raised, to a certain extent. Women grow up to raise children and men are the providers of the family. Although I cherish my children and love my role as their mother I often feel a sense of wanting in my life. I want to be somebody, do something. I know I am my girls everything but as hard as it is to say, I still want more. I want to feel a sense of accomplishment. I sometimes look at my husband with a degree of envy as he goes off to work everyday building his career. I'm not saying that I want a nine to five job but I do want to feel as if I am improving myself. I guess it is just hard knowing what to do. Maybe I should start volunteering at a nursing home. I always wanted to be a nurse when I grew up and I wanted to work with elderly people. Whenever I think of volunteering I think of my family and the time I would lose with them. I feel a pang of guilt over even the thought of going to help others when I am sure my family could use my help. However, maybe my family would have more of my full attention if I were fulfilling this need of mine and feeling like I did some good in the world. I feel guilty saying it but I guess I want more out of life. I want to be the best mom I can be but I also want to be the best me I can be.
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4 comments:
I think volunteering or something like it would be a great idea! I think it's good for kids to see their Mom passionate about something. At least with volunteering you can work as little as you want! Thanks for sharing your thoughts. I know I struggle with the same feelings sometimes.
That sounds so funny to me on the other end of the scale. Here I am working 40 hours a week making great pay and benefits with 1.5 kids and feeling like I wish I was at home. Granted, I don't know that I would really call my job my career and want to stay in that same path forever, but the one thing that helps me is just remembering its a life stage. Now I am not saying you shouldn't run out and volunteer somewhere, or take a night class or be some kind of nurse, but I just realize that right now I am supporting my husband through school and the time will come when I can be at home. Just remember your kids are only young once, and you still have so much ahead of you, take advantage of that. Soon they will all be in school and you (hopefully) will have more time to go do what you need. I often feel bad though when I can't go out with the sister's though, or do more in the ward or what not, but right now my family does need me (but I better make it up later!) Oh well, just know on the other end of the spectrum, I know just how you feel.
don't feel guilty. and don't let well-meaning advice get you down (i'm sure winnie means only to sympathize, but her comments are probably more hurtful than she's aware).
remember what i told you on the phone the other day. we too often make the mistake of thinking that because parenting (whether done by a man or a woman) is the most important thing, then it is the only important thing for us to do. there are many, many things we can and should do in this life. and many of them are important. if you find yourself feeling unfulfilled and like you need other ways of accomplishing important work in this life, i wouldn't ignore that and try to force yourself to be happy the way things are right now. not even by promising yourself future opportunities. instead find some ways that you can find fulfillment now.
some options:
enroll in a course on a subject you find interesting
volunteer somewhere--nursing home, homeless shelter, soup kitchen, school
get involved in political campaigns
start writing letters to your elected representatives about local, national, and international problems you would like to see resolved
start a book club; read a wide variety of books, not just the typical fiction.
take a gardening course and implement what you learn in your yard; maybe even create a plot in your backyard for a vegetable garden--just think of the fresh corn come the end of summer
whatever you decide, don't let your feelings overwhelm you. part of the problem with any form of depression (and this is related to depression, if not a form of it) is that solving the problem seems so huge that we don't take the steps necessary to solve it. pick one thing that you think will help you find some fulfillment and make it happen, one little step at a time.
and, no matter what you do, do not feel guilty about some time spent away from your family. will they miss you while you're not there? yes. but they will get by. and you're not talking about spending *all* of your time away from them. you're actually talking about a fairly minimal amount of time. a minimal amount of time with the potential for making huge changes in your own happiness. changes that will create a domino effect in your family. if you can find fulfillment by working outside the home a few hours a week, the happiness that comes with it will spread like beautiful, warm sunshine inside your home all of the rest of the week.
so do it. find a way to volunteer or learn or labor to change yourself and your world beyond the realm of your role as mother. and as you do, you'll become an even more amazing mother than you already are and your enter family will benefit.
(that all sounds very rosy, i know. and i realize that any work you take on, whether school work or volunteer work, will bring with it a certain degree of stress. just remember that you can experiment until you find something where the happiness/stress levels are in balance so that you (and by extension your family) are gaining more than it costs.)
love you.
Jeni, you know, I know how you feel. I say do something for YOU!
Do that which interests you most.
When you invest in yourself you begin to act and think differently. The "act" of following through with YOUR needs confirms to your very being, your soul, that YOU are important.
Of course your family is important. But so are you! As an individual you need to put your needs at the same level of importance....you have to live with yourself forever - give yourself some time every day, every week - whatever you choose to do something that makes you happy. Something to improve yourself. Something that may never transfer into some grand career but it is interesting to you.
When I was in your shoes....I worked to help pay bills. I made the best of my job.....until Michael came along and it just didn't make sense for me to work anymore. The job gave me skills. It never turned into the grand career I pictured for myself.
When I quit working - I about went crazy as a full time mom of 3 kids. I started quoting Disney movies and I too was left "wanting" for more. I remember asking myself - often, "is this really my life?" Of course, that came with some guilt because I too thought it should be enough. Well.....I decided it was what it was.... no matter how much guilt came with the question....I had to do something more. I started by taking my kids to the library for story time. When the kids were listening to the story I would check out books about things that interested me. Yep ME! Why do we feel guilty about that!?! I learned alot about flowers because of that. I also love children's books....so that was a way I could satisfy being a "good mother" and do something I enjoyed at the same time. I took a floral class at BYU -- Mark had to deal with me being gone every Tues and Thurs evenings for a semester --- and guess what - he never complained. He enjoyed the flowers I brought home - and it was good for me to invest in some "me time". Well, I dreamed of building a business with my new found skills - but that didn't happen. and that is OK! I don't regret the time I spent learning.
Right now I'm thinking about taking a photography class. This too probably won't ever turn into a career - but it will improve my picture taking....which is so important to me.
Perhaps if you think in terms of learning instead of career....you might find yourself doing something you really enjoy - and who knows.....it could turn into something "career like" if you choose.
Remember we talked a week or so ago....and career isn't everything! Finding what you love and improving yourself is good no matter what stage of life you are at.
Have fun.....I love you.
tash
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